Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Si Sir Nic


Last year, January 8, 2007, I posted an entry about Sir Nic, which you could still find here: http://commonlysenseless.blogspot.com/2007/01/prof-monico-atienza.html . That was when I found out that he's on a coma. It was a big shocking news for me since Sir Nic was the only UP professor who believed that I could make it in life -- and he didn't mind being a little vocal and over the top makulit of reminding me about it. Despite of my rebellious and stubborn attitude (kasagsagan ng Dark Ages ko yun eh), he's been even more persistent to pull me right back on track.

Since I've read the news about his condition, naging ugali ko nang i-google siya every month. Just to find out how he was.

Now, exactly one month and one day after I've read the sad news, I came across a more disheartening news that he already passed away last December. Kahit one month na ang nakakaraan mula nung pumanaw siya, di ko pa rin mapigilang umiyak lalo na when I've read below article that tells about how he suffered while fighting the Marcos dictatorship. While reading the article, nagfa-flashback ulet sakin yun mga moments na nakaupo ako sa klase niya. At nung mga oras na binibisita ko siya sa faculty room at nishe-share-ran niya ko ng mga "makabayang" litanya nya. Yun mga times na nagkakasalubong kami sa AS at inaalam niya kung ga-grad na ba ko at kung nagbagong buhay na nga ba ko. Kung ilang beses din niyang pinapaalala sakin na wag akong magshift out of eng'g. Nung magka-email kami at tinatawag niya kong "email pal" at minsan, "email sweetheart". At nung walang-halong pang-asar at matter-of-factly lang niyang inaannounced sa klase na nakikita niya sa akin si Sisa (teka, hindi ako nagpapatawa). Ngayon ko lang totohanang naintindihan kung saan nanggagaling ang passion niya.

Alam ko na ngayon na hindi na siya nagsu-suffer. At ngayon rin ako sobrang naging proud na nakilala ang gaya niya minsan sa buhay ko.

Para syo, Sir Nic, salamat nang tunay na tunay.


_____________
Activists of 2 generations mourn death of ‘Sir Nic’
By Volt Contreras
Inquirer
Posted date: December 07, 2007

MANILA, Philippines -- Activists from two generations -- those who survived fighting the Marcos dictatorship and those too young to have gone through that long, dark night -- are in mourning for Monico Atienza, beloved comrade, inspiring professor and, perhaps, a study of what one stands to gain or lose for a revolutionary cause.

After lapsing into a coma a year ago, Atienza succumbed to throat cancer on Wednesday afternoon at his home on the University of the Philippines campus in Diliman, Quezon City, where he taught Rizal and Pilipino subjects.

“Nic,” who in the 1960s became secretary general of the militant Kabataang Makabayan and in 2003 worked to reorganize the old street cadres from the historic First Quarter Storm (FQS) marches of 1970, was 60 years old.

Disease finally felled the man who, some three decades ago, barely survived the torture chambers of the martial law regime and later an assassination attempt allegedly carried out by the post-Marcos military.

In separate interviews Thursday with the Inquirer, two of Atienza’s close friends -- Boni Ilagan, chair of the FQS Movement of which Nic was founding president, and UP professor Luis Teodoro -- remembered the man for his convictions, which were neither eroded by time nor bowed for expediency.

With a tone of reverence, Ilagan and Teodoro both described Atienza as one of the most “heavily tortured” detainees during martial law.
A UP student who went underground two years before martial law was declared in 1972, Atienza was arrested in 1974. He was about 27.

Never bowed to torturers
Atienza’s genitals were “burned,” the two men said, although their memories conflicted. Ilagan said the torturers used rolled-up newspapers or comic books for a torch; Teodoro said a lighter was used.

This was on top of the other brutalities -- electric shock, sleep deprivation, being left naked in a room with the air-conditioner going full-blast and repeated beatings.

Atienza was also injected with “truth serum” to induce a confession, Ilagan said.

He will be praised for many things, but his “biggest triumph was that he never bowed to his torturers,” Ilagan said. “He did not crack and send more into the hands of the enemy.”

Nervous breakdown
Atienza eventually suffered a nervous breakdown during his detention and was brought to the V. Luna military hospital. He was still a patient there when he was released in 1980, or six years after his arrest, Ilagan said.

Both Ilagan and Teodoro said Atienza might have emerged psychologically scarred from the ordeal.
He seemed more short-tempered, for one thing, Teodoro noted.
Except for a TV interview he granted in 2003, Atienza never spoke publicly about what the then Philippine Constabulary, including a lieutenant named Rodolfo Aguinaldo (later to become governor of Cagayan), did to him in Camp Crame, Ilagan noted.

When both of them were still in prison, Ilagan said, “I saw him being dragged by two escorts [after a torture session] back to his cell. All he had was this blank stare.”

More severely than others
“He was tortured more severely than the others probably because he was suspected of being a ranking officer of the communist party and, therefore, knew a lot about the leadership structure,” Ilagan, a playwright who himself endured two years in jail, surmised.
Ilagan recalled that he, Atienza and others were held in what was supposed to be Camp Crame’s armory -- “thick walls, steel doors, one-foot-by- one-foot windows, a place not built for human habitation.”

There were no toilets in the cells. The inmates were provided biscuit cans and old newspapers for their use.

The inmates could hear torture sessions going on in adjacent rooms, and Ilagan was convinced that the PC deliberately let others hear what was going on.

Still fiery
After his release, Atienza was able to re-enroll at UP, and shifted courses from political science to Philippine studies, Ilagan said.

He eventually secured a teaching position at the university and resumed his “fight” as a fiery, sought-after speaker in student forums and as a supporter of progressive groups.

Once, shortly after EDSA I people power uprising in 1986, Teodoro and Atienza were on their way to a colleague’s birthday party.

But the latter decided to turn back upon seeing certain guests at the venue: It was one of those weird occasions when officers of the rightwing Reform the Armed Forces Movement got to mingle with the leftist set.

“I see one of my torturers among them. I think we’re no longer needed here,” Teodoro recalled his hesitant friend saying.

No demand for compensation
And more of Atienza’s true grit showed when the time of reckoning with his jailers finally came: He distanced himself from moves by fellow detainees to demand compensation from the Marcos regime.

Said Ilagan: “He had a different view. I remember him saying, ‘What I went through cannot be compensated in terms of pesos.’

“But he did not stop anyone [from demanding compensation] , and did not campaign against it.”
Added Teodoro: “‘I never thought of receiving any reward for fighting the dictatorship.’ That’s how he also put it.”

Ambush
Atienza, a native of Cuenca, Batangas, would have his next brush with death shortly after EDSA I. (Teodoro said Atienza was disappointed with the results of both EDSA I and II, in which he took part.)

In 1987, Atienza, Bernabe Buscayno, former communist guerrilla commander and then senatorial candidate, and three companions were ambushed in their car by a suspected military death squad.
A piece of shrapnel became embedded in Atienza’s head, and a leg wound sustained from that attack never healed up to the time he had a heart attack in December 2006.

Until then, a mass in his throat that blocked his air passage had remained undetected. He was diagnosed with cancer.

Fund-raisers were held to pay for his continued stay at the Philippine General Hospital, and among those who pitched in were a left-leaning party-list group and a few lawmakers, Ilagan said.

After seven months, friends from the FQS Movement decided to bring him home.

Atienza, who lived apart from his wife and their two sons after he was released from detention, died with two caregivers hired by his comrades at his bedside, Ilagan said.

In less than 24 hours, the first eulogies came in the blogs of his UP students -- those who were not even born yet when their “Sir Nic” was being brutalized for his cause.
Posted by chillybean at 3:33 AM | 2 comments  
Labels: , , ,
Friday, December 14, 2007

Dec 14

This very same time last year, nagngangangawa na 'ko sa opisina. Literally flooding with tears. At dahil yun syo, walangya 'ka. =P May blog entry pa nga ako exactly one year ago eh. Can't believe it's been a year now, noh? Bilis ng panahon. It's just fascinating to realize na sa lahat-lahat nang nangyari nun, ang pinaka natatandaan ko vividly eh hindi yun itsura mo nung first time kita makita sa sarili mong coffin. Hindi rin yun moment na nasa Church kami ni Cheng at hindi man lang nakalapit sayo nung last blessing mo dahil hindi kami makatayo sa panghihina. But it's that v. moment, at around 1:30 in the morning, when my Mom entered my room, bluntly said, "Ate, patay na si Mayie". Nung natulala ako for what seemed like eternity, nilapitan nya ko then hinawakan ako sa ulo -- she didn't know what to do to comfort me. Days, weeks, months, and now a year after, yun pa rin yun concept ko ng pagkawala mo. Tanda ko pa nun nakipag-deal pa ko kay Lord na bubuuin ko yun Simbang Gabi para pagalingin ka. At alam Niya na NEVER pa ko nakabuo ng Simbang Gabi ever. Pero di na niya in-accept yun bargain ko. Di ka na niya pinaabot ng Simbang Gabi. Funny din yun si Lord eh.

O siya, have a blast up there! Don't worry much about your little darling, she's growing up to be more and more adorable each day. Ang daldal na niya kahit di ko siya naiintindihan. I'll hug her for you. ;) I love you.

Love,
Mimin

Ps. Ka-birthday mo yun newborn baby ni Andre! =D
Posted by chillybean at 8:39 AM | 0 comments  
Labels: , ,
Saturday, December 08, 2007

Dec. 7

Waaaahhhh.... Sinubukan ko na ang lahat para di kita isipin, ngunit ako'y nabigo. Pansin mo bang nagpaka-busy talaga ako buong araw? Hindi ko nga alam kung marami lang ba akong panahon or sadyang panahon mo ngayon. Naiisip kasi kita lately nang madalas. Tapos nung mahalukay ko yun mga old journals ko, parang ayokong buksan kasi mababasa kita sa loob. Asar. Hmpf. Napikon pa nga ako nung may mag-joke sakin kanina na tinext ka raw niya. Hindi ko nakuha yun humor. Kasi sa totoo lang pinipigilan ko talaga ang sarili kong i-text ka. Para san pa, babasahin mo ba? Haaa-haaay. Pero sige na nga, cheers na rin. Para sa lahat ng napagdaanan natin. At sa mga bagay na kahit sa pangarap eh hindi na natin mapapagdaanan pa. Tsaka nga pala, alam kong magiisang-taon ko na 'tong sinasabi sayo ng paulit-ulit..pero uulitin ko lang ulet: Sorry sa mga nagawa ko at higit sa lahat, sorry sa mga hindi ko nagawa para syo. Happy Birthday, Mayie. Miss na kita. Miss ko na tyo. :'(
Posted by chillybean at 12:03 AM | 0 comments  
Labels: , , ,
Wednesday, February 28, 2007

On death(days) and birthdays

I am coping. Half of me will be transitioning to quarter life in two days time and every living cell in my body is resisting.

I am not good with birthdays as much as I am not good with weddings, goodbyes and deaths. I don’t remember when all these four occasions found themselves in the same page of my book of life. I know that any normal human being celebrates birthdays and weddings joyfully, I am perfectly aware of that, thank you. And believe me, I am not trying to be (as Chico and Del quote it:) “pa-different”. This is not something that I am proud of and definitely not what I want to feel. I simply get to the pit of depression when things take changes before my eyes. When one close to me simply transforms in terms of age, civil status, location and existence, I just lose it.

On deaths.
Last night was the first time I slept in my own bedroom with lights off since my cousin died. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been sleeping at my brothers’ room, and during weekends when I’m forced to sleep at my own room, I always keep the lights on. No, I was not literally scared of her ghost or anything like that. I’m just scared that the last thing I will feel before I close my eyes is being alone. I delight in hearing my brother’s snore and feeling him tossing and turning in his bed in the middle of the night. Then, for the once-a-week occasion when I was at my own room, I kept my lights on so that every tangible thing around me is crystal clear before I drifted off to sleep. I get gloomy when darkness swallows everything.. I would just run out of breath. But last night, while I was lying in my bed waiting for Peter Pan to lead me to Nevernever land, I remembered some “moments” I had with my cousin. I smiled. For some weird reason, I don’t really feel that she left us. It’s as if she was just there at her same old bedroom, facing my own room, one empty rode in between. I’m not sure if this is what people who have moved on really feel. That their dear family/relatives/friends/loved ones are not really gone for good. That they are just out there, smiling silly while they remember your good old times together. No tears. Just funny, stupid smiles. With that, I got to my feet, turned off the lights, went back to bed, breathed deeply and dozed off.

On birthdays.
I stopped being excited about my own birthday when I turned 15. So yeah, almost a decade ago. When asked about my favorite age, I’d always say, “14”. That’s when I first got the license to be angsty. That’s when I could embarrass myself in front of everybody because of a stupid haircut and cursed the universe about it. That’s when I badly want to parade a glitzy nail polish but thought I wasn’t cool enough so I would just help my friends dry up their own shiny, shimmery nails-turned-work of art. That’s when the only gossips I was interested about were related to Backstreet Boys or Spice Girls. That’s when I would burn out our telephone lines until midnight talking to “my person”*. That’s when “my person” and I decided that this world is not for us. That’s when “my person” and I realized that we are each other’s half-soul…

So there, it is 14 for me. Years after that, I just began despising my own birthday and “my person’s” birthday as well. (Actually, my anxiety level is sometimes higher when her birthday's coming up, compared to a few days before my own birthday.) Maybe because like weddings, goodbyes and deaths, birthday is a transition. It is officially announcing to the world, and confirming to yourself that you are changing whether you like it or not. And come on, what’s there to like? Birthdays mark you. And I’m sorry world, call me bratty but I don’t like that. I want to stay angsty. I want to get stupid haircut and embarrass myself over and over again. I want that glitzy nail polish and not really get it. I want my Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls. I want to sneak out and burn my telephone lines with “my person”. I want “my person” & I to shamelessly hate the world together. I just want to stay 14 with “my person”.

Oh this is a depressing thought. Because you know what? In reality, “my person” and I are not 14 anymore. We had already gone thru a lot of tough times together. We’ve grown to be more mature in handling our issues. We are not as angsty as we used to be. We have been open to a lot of changes and some of those changes we are still shamelessly enjoying right now. We are becoming stronger, and sometimes, even wiser. We are slowly becoming tolerant of the pains we are dealing separately. We are becoming more forgiving, more patient, more steady. So steady that it sometimes makes me think that we are losing the invisible thread that connects us...

But then suddenly, something life-altering will happen and we will find ourselves again in a parallel universe. I will feel that someone is tugging my invisible thread from the other end. Then my heart will skip a bit and then I will feel 14 again...

So it brought me to a conclusion that perhaps, something “my person” and I have is immune to changes. Protected from maturity. Resistant to birthdays. Maybe, just maybe, we have never really grown up. Because sometimes, with “my person” I’m just 14.

*Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 Episode 16
Christina to Burke (about Meredith): "She's my person. This is not about getting her approval. Telling her makes it..makes it.. If I murdered someone, she is the one I'd call in the middle of the night to help dispose of the body. She's my person. "


Disclaimer: I've noticed that the 2nd part of this entry is running around in circle. Just goes to show that I have never really found closure with birthdays. *smirk*
Posted by chillybean at 11:51 AM | 0 comments  
Labels: , ,
Monday, January 22, 2007

Sarcasm All Over

This is a funny day. I worked my ass off the whole day for a report due 4pm today. But my ever-reliable PC chose to play tricks on me. I had no network connection AT ALL. Our IT person was on leave. With my little knowledge in troubleshooting, aided by the patience and support of our IT person (via phone), my other officemates, our messenger, and even my officemate’s boyfriend, I tried to figure out what was fucking wrong. But to no avail. I experienced techno-stress so early in the morning and it lasted the whole day. But because I was resourceful (translation: I was too scared to be tortured by my boss, and the report was needed for the meeting with AIM executives at 5pm, dammit!), I finished my report just on time. Halleluiah!

But my smile faded faster than I could say, “It’s done, moron!”. A short email from India, a sec AFTER deadline, that stated a significant change from our previous data gave the punch line to my already humorous day. Sumatutal, my report wasn’t accurate anymore. All efforts down to paper-shredder. Funny. It’s too funny I could cry.

But of course, it’s just work, so really, I don’t give that damn much.

Another funny scenario. A guy bestfriend called me up last night while I was in the middle of counting the lizards hanging around (or upside-down?) my ceiling. The company he’s working for decided to play boyoyong clowns and closed down the entire organization. Just. Like. That. In a snap of a finger, he lost the job he so loved he didn’t mind going to work just to hang out, and found himself parting with colleagues-turned-‘kada. Wala na siyang kumpanya. Just. Like. That.

You know what else is funny? I called up my dear cousin I’ve mentioned in my entry entitled, “death”. (Obviously, I mean the one who’s still alive.) She’s scheduled to visit her doctor tomorrow. She has this weird, out-of-this-world (translation: I don’t know what it’s medically called YET) disease that requires her to: wear this certain kind of stockings forever; take a medicine worth Php35 each twice a day forever; and have her both legs scanned every 2 months -forever. Did I mention she has no permanent source of income that she found the need to apply to DSWD to sustain these expenses? She has 2 little kids that she can’t even carry because of her condition. And she is just 23 years old! In fairness to her, you really cannot tell that she has too much in her hands kasi naturally -happy girl siya. I was mentally computing my monthly salary to see how much I can give her every month (no, she wasn’t asking for it). Kaso pucha, kulang talaga yun sweldo ko eh, gusto ko matawa. Even so, when she told me that she has to be very careful not to get bruises or any form of wounds in her legs. Internal bleeding especially in her case, according to the doctor, is fatal. Laugh with me now. Ha. Ha. Ha.

O sige na nga, ito na finale: today is Mayee’s 40th death day anniversary.

Posted by chillybean at 5:48 PM | 0 comments  
Labels: , ,
Monday, December 18, 2006

:(

Tang-ina umiiyak pa rin ako????!!!!
Tama na, Armine.....
...let her go!!!!! :,(
Posted by chillybean at 12:38 PM | 0 comments  
Labels: , ,
Thursday, December 14, 2006

Death

Ang surreal pala ng death noh? As in. Marami na ko kamag-anak na namatay, pero putah, ito talaga yun closest. As in. And I quote Abu, “sabay na kayo lumaki.” Sayang hindi ko siya napakilala sa inyo kahit kapitbahay ko lang siya. Sya pa naman ang isa sa mga “puberty sisters” ko. Hehehe! 3 kasi kaming magkaka-age (almost) na girls sa magpipinsan. Tapos triumvirates kami sa mga kalokohan. Nyahaha! Kaya nga grabe rin yun reaction nila Abu, Eking, Jelyn, Ericka and Frances kanina kasi they know how closed we were. Nung gradeschool, di kami masyado chikahan sa school so hindi alam ng mga tao (namely, Lloyd) na magpinsan kami. Pero roommates naman kami every weekend or Summer vacation. Ito na, Abu, aaminin ko na, yun ibang funny hair accessories ko eh nenok ko sa kanya. Nyahaha! We sort of drifted apart kasi nagka-iba na kami ng mundo eventually. So minsan na lang kami magka-bonding time pero she was always honest to me sa mga kalokohan niya. :) The last time I saw her was last Aug. 6, birthday ni Dad when she told me, “Min ah, Ninang ka!” Which is already a given, actually.

Kanina, around 1:30am, pumasok si Mommy sa room ko. “Ate, patay na si Mayee.” As straightforward as that. Alam niyo naman ang Nanay ko, walang sugar-coating na nalalaman. Tapos ako, as in tulala, jaw-dropped and all. Yun parang nasa pagitan ka pa ng panaginip. Tapos lumapit sakin si Mommy and hinawakan yun ulo ko. Tsaka ko lang na-made out yun words niya. Ibang klase. So syempre umiyak ako, natulala, tapos di na ko nakatulog.

Kanina mga 2am, tumawag yun isa pang pinsan namin na ka-triumvirate namin. Hindi ko siya kinausap. Kasi nung magkausap kami nung isang gabi, sobrang praning na kami. So feeling ko kapag kinausap ko siya kanina mag-iiiyakan lang kami. Eh iiyak din naman kami kapag nagkita kami mamaya, magiging redundant lang..

Tapos pagdating ko dito, eh di ok lang. Sinabi ko na sa officemates kong hindi ako sama bukas sa Tagaytay and binalita ko nga yung nangyari. Pochaks, nung ni-hug ako nung isa humagulgol ako! Kumusta naman yun drama queen moment ko?? As in!!! Iyak ako nang iyak! Walang nagsasalita, ngawa ko lang. Hanep. Hindi ko naman sila ganun katagal na ka-close pero parang hindi na ko nag-inarte at humagulgol na talaga ko. Ganun pala yun. Uulitin ko lang: hanep.

Alam ko rin naku-curious kayo sa kinamatay niya. “Pulmonary Embolism.” Huwat, you say? Gaya ng officemate ko, first thing I did today was researched on that. Sa simpleng kwento, ganito ang naganap, kapag pala nanganganak ang babae, umaakyat ang dugo sa heart (basta sa taas). Pagkalabas ng baby, tsaka lalabas yun blood sa katawan niya. Ngunit, subalit, datapwat, hindi iyon ang nangyari kay Mayee. I mean, hindi lumabas yun blood from her body. So nagka-blood clot siya sa ugat na dumadaloy in between her heart and lungs. Kaya pala nahihirapan siya huminga. Dapat daw ay naagapan yun kasi dumadami yun barado. Ang nangyari sa pinsan ko, hindi agad nalaman ng doctor nya yun. Kumusta naman ang 2 weeks na “under observation”? Nahihibang ka ba?? Nung Saturday pa lang na magkakasama kami nababadtrip na kami ni Daddy sa doctor niya. Sabi namin ihanap na ng 2nd opinion. Heniways, kagabi lang siya napasok sa ICU ng Heart Center (galing siya hospital sa Morong). Too late na. Ayun. *buntong hininga*

Ayan, wag na kayo mag-reply alam ko naman lost for words din kayo. :) Gusto ko lang mag-release ng thoughts. Outlet lang. It’s still too absurd for me. I thought I knew death and I was wrong. Ganito pala siya.
Posted by chillybean at 12:03 PM | 0 comments  
Labels: , ,
Monday, June 28, 2004

School, Suicide and Scolio

I used to hate Mondays. Not anymore, or rather at least not as much as I used to. Even though this semester is really a hell lotta school loads for me, I don't mind at all. My friends make it more tolerable. They actually give me reasons to look forward to another day. (Have I lost my mind?!)

I got a news from my soulfriend. She told me about her friend's dad attempting suicide.... I was like.. whoa... *the sentences that followed had been hidden*

On the other news, I'm thinking of going for that stupid Pilates thingy that my friend (and my mom) is constantly prodding me. I feel like my scolio will strike its revenge sooner than later.
It's another day! Woohoo!
Posted by chillybean at 11:25 PM | 0 comments  
Labels: , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)