Because great things happen when you take a bite...

She drank the poison straight from the flask. I tried to stop her but her instinct got her faster than me. With a little hesitation and trembling lips, she emptied the flask before I could even stop her. The poison ran through her veins and numb her senses. But she could not hide it too well. The pain was reflected through the window of her soul. Her smile could not manage to reach her eyes anymore. It was betraying her. It cannot possibly be how she thought it was, right? It has been such a long time since the last time she drank the poison -- also due to her ignorance. Back then, I can remember how she became really paralyzed. Would it be the same thing this time around? She may not be able to take it. One affirmation and it will totally crash her.

Incidentally, the person that gave her the flask was present. He didn't saw her drink through the flask but he could see through the window that something was slowly killing her. I thought he would watch her die in front of him. I was ready to hate him. But just like the first time he did this to her, he managed to carefully and affectionately carried her out through the back door. He saved her. He is afterall, as it has always been, her antidote.

I just hope he would never give her that fatal flask again. And I beg he'll hear my plea.

I ran away.
Away from the hassle and bustle.
Somewhere no one can catch me.

I get drunk until I lose senses.
I float to oblivion.
I mumble empty words.

Drifting in between dreams.
Soaring the high seas.
Searching my way back to Neverneverland.

I dream of many things.

Of castles and pirates.
Of magic and tinkerbelles.
Of travels and stability.
Of friendship and love.
Of poems and melodies.
Of cupcake and chocolates.
Of teacups and coffeebeans.
Of your eyes.
Of your smile.
Of your voice.
Of your scent.
Of your laughter.
Of your stories.
Of your touch.
Of your attention.
Of your presence.
Of your love.
Of all of you.
Yes you.
I miss you.

I am weak. I am especially weak when you speak to me about faith. Religion I can handle. But with faith and sprituality, I just lose it. It's something I want so desperately to get back, but I seem to be drifting away from it as days passed by. It's something that I am so afraid that I might not be able to have again. Just the mere thought of not having it back will automatically spill some stubborn tears from my eyes. I don't talk about it just to anybody either. You have to dig deep down to get a reaction out of me when it comes to this matter. It's shameful. I know that my Lord is just waiting for me but I feel so un-deserving I can't move my feet forward. It's shameful. So yes, maybe this entry is a plea for help...

Another thing that weakens me is postsecret. Seriously. Week by week it proves to me that there are people out there like me who are afraid and weak. Who walks in this world everyday with smiles on their faces but fears in their hearts. I came across this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbNxUE9n1RI&mode=related&search= and just half-through with it, I had to ran to the washroom to wash the tears from my face. There are people from all over who are scarred and damaged and it's a sad and liberating at the same time.

Yes, I am a freak that way. ^_^"

She is mad more than ever and she doesn't know why or what gives. She is not really aware of what's happening to her. She's just way too confused to ask more questions to herself. She wants to run away. Go to a far away place where no one will have the power to hurt her and tear her apart. But life does not go that way, it says. She must hang on. She must tighten her grip to dear life now more than ever. What gives. She doesn't know. She just lost herself. She breathe deeply, swore to her alter-ego to go away and leave her alone. But alter-ego wants to stay longer. She gasped for air, and screamed. That's all she can do now, gasp for air and scream. Until this weakens her and brings her back to Neverland.

"Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I wish I will never ever be a grown-up. (^o^)"

Writing
I missed my journal. Kinakailangan ko na atang bumalik sa pagsusulat at iwan ang online blogging. I'm keeping a journal since I was thirteen. When I was too old to ask questions and too young to know the answers. I miss the feeling of just letting the ink of your pen flow freely with your imagination, frustrations, and dreams. I miss the smell of its recycled paper. I miss the nostalgia I experience as I re-read my entiries til I fall asleep. Meron pa ko dun dried petals of roses I got from boyfriend nung hindi pa kami, at nung kami na.. :) Meron din mga marks of dried tears. Most importantly, makikita mo ang changes of emotions just by looking at my handwritings. Meron ako dung mga entries na kapag nababasa ko eh para kong nata-travel back in time. Ganun kalakas ang nostalgic effect niya. I miss Toffie. I think I must revive our good old relationship.

By the way, secret dream ko ang maging isang novelist. Kahit walang magbabasa ng libro ko, wapakels. Basta gusto ko mag-publish ng book. :)

Social Scale
I deal with the big wigs everyday. My usual correspondences are with CEOs, Executives, whatnots. I was in a trip together with a Vice Chairman of achuchuchu and we met up with a number of company leaders. My colleague was so impressed by them. Na-a-appreciate niyang nasa matataas na katungkulan sila at popular sila sa mga taong nakikilala namin. I don't know what's wrong with me pero I despised moments spent with them. Wala naman akong advocacy na ala-"Erap para sa mahirap" pero people like them just do not inspire me. Maybe, simply because I do not belong in the corporate world. I cringe everytime they brag about their accomplishments, their fame, their fortune. Parang gusto ko silang i-strip-an ng mga kayamanan nila at patirahin kahit isang araw lang sa squatter area. Gusto ko silang i-deprive ng masasarap na pagkain at patikimin ng instant noodles at tuyo. Gusto ko silang ibaba sa pedestal nila and shove reality to their faces. Reality sans titles, money, mansions, and f*cking beach houses.

Sabagay, hindi naman nila kasalanang matataas na tao sila sa lipunan. Pinaghirapan din naman nila makarating dun (at least yun iba). Pero it's just too depressing to see kung gano ka-extreme ang status ng mga tao. While I personally have friends na hindi man lang makabili ng bagong medyas (at nagta-tyaga sa butas-butas), eh merong mga taong gaya nila na hindi sumasakay sa eroplano unless business class. Haaay, goolai. Can't we just all be equal? (communism campaign ba ito? :p )

Faith
During my trip last week, I borrowed my brother's extra phone kasi kelangan ko ng extra phone for my Vietnam sim card. May time na nagpapaantok ako so I played around with it. I found some music videos nila sa YFC. It moved me to tears. I can't remember when was the last time I felt that much emotions towards a music video. hehe! All of a sudden, I felt a certain feeling of envy sa brother ko. Nakakaingget na at such a very young age eh may ganun na siyang ka-strong na relationship with his Lord. Na he's barely 20 at marami na siyang natulungang mga tao. At the same time, of course, sobrang nakaka-proud. I want that. I am dreaming to establish that kind of faith with my Lord and to deliver that sort of service to others who really need it. But I don't know where or how to begin. *sigh* I am as confused now as when I was starting college.

Traveller
Travelling for me is getting yourself emerged sa culture ng place na pinupuntahan mo. Experiencing their traditions, eating their food, learning to understand their language, interacting with the locals. May promise kami sa isa't isa ng brothers ko na sundin ang payo in Anthony Bourdain: "Be a traveller, not a tourist." Sadly, I failed to do that in Vietnam. Yun kasama ko always wanted to visit the malls, eat at restaurants and hang out at coffee shops. Kasi dun daw "safe". Namputsa, para lang akong nasa Maynila! I missed tk! Haaay.

Kami ng family ko kapag nagro-road trip kami, basta may mapa, ayus na. Aalis kami sa bahay ng very early Sunday morning, para around 7 or 8 nandun na kami sa destination namin. We'll attend mass sa mga lumang churches, at magbe-breakfast sa mga nearby karinderya. Tapos lilibutin ang bayan, then uuwi na. I missed those trips. Magulo na sked naming lahat eh. We couldn't spend much time together sa loob ng bahay, much less, sa labas. Laging may mga lakad. Sana soon, we'll find the time again while my parents are still young enough to enjoy it with us.

Missing
I miss him. I don't know why. I miss him all the time. I miss him while talking about him. I miss him while talking to him. I miss him. *sigh*

This year, I aim to go places..literally.
1. Marinduque
2. Pagudpod
3. Vigan
4. Cebu
5. Bohol
6. Pattaya
7. Ho Chi Minh City
8. Bangkok
9. HongKong

Ngayon, kelangan ko na lang mag-ipon. Waaachaaaa! ^_^"

I am coping. Half of me will be transitioning to quarter life in two days time and every living cell in my body is resisting.

I am not good with birthdays as much as I am not good with weddings, goodbyes and deaths. I don’t remember when all these four occasions found themselves in the same page of my book of life. I know that any normal human being celebrates birthdays and weddings joyfully, I am perfectly aware of that, thank you. And believe me, I am not trying to be (as Chico and Del quote it:) “pa-different”. This is not something that I am proud of and definitely not what I want to feel. I simply get to the pit of depression when things take changes before my eyes. When one close to me simply transforms in terms of age, civil status, location and existence, I just lose it.

On deaths.
Last night was the first time I slept in my own bedroom with lights off since my cousin died. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been sleeping at my brothers’ room, and during weekends when I’m forced to sleep at my own room, I always keep the lights on. No, I was not literally scared of her ghost or anything like that. I’m just scared that the last thing I will feel before I close my eyes is being alone. I delight in hearing my brother’s snore and feeling him tossing and turning in his bed in the middle of the night. Then, for the once-a-week occasion when I was at my own room, I kept my lights on so that every tangible thing around me is crystal clear before I drifted off to sleep. I get gloomy when darkness swallows everything.. I would just run out of breath. But last night, while I was lying in my bed waiting for Peter Pan to lead me to Nevernever land, I remembered some “moments” I had with my cousin. I smiled. For some weird reason, I don’t really feel that she left us. It’s as if she was just there at her same old bedroom, facing my own room, one empty rode in between. I’m not sure if this is what people who have moved on really feel. That their dear family/relatives/friends/loved ones are not really gone for good. That they are just out there, smiling silly while they remember your good old times together. No tears. Just funny, stupid smiles. With that, I got to my feet, turned off the lights, went back to bed, breathed deeply and dozed off.

On birthdays.
I stopped being excited about my own birthday when I turned 15. So yeah, almost a decade ago. When asked about my favorite age, I’d always say, “14”. That’s when I first got the license to be angsty. That’s when I could embarrass myself in front of everybody because of a stupid haircut and cursed the universe about it. That’s when I badly want to parade a glitzy nail polish but thought I wasn’t cool enough so I would just help my friends dry up their own shiny, shimmery nails-turned-work of art. That’s when the only gossips I was interested about were related to Backstreet Boys or Spice Girls. That’s when I would burn out our telephone lines until midnight talking to “my person”*. That’s when “my person” and I decided that this world is not for us. That’s when “my person” and I realized that we are each other’s half-soul…

So there, it is 14 for me. Years after that, I just began despising my own birthday and “my person’s” birthday as well. (Actually, my anxiety level is sometimes higher when her birthday's coming up, compared to a few days before my own birthday.) Maybe because like weddings, goodbyes and deaths, birthday is a transition. It is officially announcing to the world, and confirming to yourself that you are changing whether you like it or not. And come on, what’s there to like? Birthdays mark you. And I’m sorry world, call me bratty but I don’t like that. I want to stay angsty. I want to get stupid haircut and embarrass myself over and over again. I want that glitzy nail polish and not really get it. I want my Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls. I want to sneak out and burn my telephone lines with “my person”. I want “my person” & I to shamelessly hate the world together. I just want to stay 14 with “my person”.

Oh this is a depressing thought. Because you know what? In reality, “my person” and I are not 14 anymore. We had already gone thru a lot of tough times together. We’ve grown to be more mature in handling our issues. We are not as angsty as we used to be. We have been open to a lot of changes and some of those changes we are still shamelessly enjoying right now. We are becoming stronger, and sometimes, even wiser. We are slowly becoming tolerant of the pains we are dealing separately. We are becoming more forgiving, more patient, more steady. So steady that it sometimes makes me think that we are losing the invisible thread that connects us...

But then suddenly, something life-altering will happen and we will find ourselves again in a parallel universe. I will feel that someone is tugging my invisible thread from the other end. Then my heart will skip a bit and then I will feel 14 again...

So it brought me to a conclusion that perhaps, something “my person” and I have is immune to changes. Protected from maturity. Resistant to birthdays. Maybe, just maybe, we have never really grown up. Because sometimes, with “my person” I’m just 14.

*Grey’s Anatomy Season 3 Episode 16
Christina to Burke (about Meredith): "She's my person. This is not about getting her approval. Telling her makes it..makes it.. If I murdered someone, she is the one I'd call in the middle of the night to help dispose of the body. She's my person. "


Disclaimer: I've noticed that the 2nd part of this entry is running around in circle. Just goes to show that I have never really found closure with birthdays. *smirk*

“Whoever said that ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’ was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.”
- Grey’s Anatomy

I’d still say “Ignorance is bliss.” I don't know. Perhaps it's just me.

Umuulan ng chocolates na pasalubong ng officemate ko from a business trip. Too much sweets. Di ba dapat endorphinated ako? I should be happy. How come i'm still.. (?_?)

Must be the weather. Yeah, should be the weather.

Three entries in two days. You can tell I’ve got too much time in my hands. :) My works piling up, got to do something about it before the week ends or I’ll be dead next week. The only work-related thing I did today was entertain a potential Indian delegate over the phone. She’s asking me regarding our event on September 2007! Di ka naman excited? So after that, since I am procrastinating, I used my morning just doing 5S. My little haven in this office is so organized now, with the trash bin beside me overflowing with outdated papers. Trust me, for Virgos, that’s orgasmic. ‘nuff about that.

One of my best friends is getting married early next year. Wow. Time flies so fast. I’m just so darn happy that she’d finally made up her mind. She sorta had this crisis a few months before she got engaged. She’d been committed to her boyfriend for X years now and there came a point when she doubted her love for him. What if, he’s not the one? What if someone out there is way so much better than him? What if she’s been committed too darn long to him that she’d missed the opportunity of meeting other better fishes in the ocean?

De-ja-vu. I had a similar kind of conversation with my boyfriend last week. You see the girlfriend for more than 5 years of our barkada just broke up with him. My best friend commented that perhaps the girl missed the life of being single. Missed being single? But they’re not even married yet, so what’s the deal? Isn't she technically single? Sorry, I don’t get it.

So boyfriend enlightened the confused me, “…blah..blah..na hindi na siya pwedeng tumingin sa iba?” “Huh? Why not?” “Bakit, pwede pa ba?” “Look, yun opportunity nya tumingin sa iba eh kapareho lang ng opportunity ng mga ‘single’ na tao na tumingin sa iba. Pero di ba nga, sa dinami-dami ng mga nakikita niya, she preferred him. Pinili niya siya. Pwede siya magbago ng isip. Pwede siya makaranas ng ‘change of heart’. Pero while hindi nangyayari yun, she sticked with him hindi dahil sa wala na siyang choice. Kundi sa marami niyang choices ay siya ang pinili niya na mahalin.” Getting in a relationship is not a prison. If you think you’re in one, then get out of it because no one has the authority to take away your right to choose. I am not saying that cheating is ok. (Of course it is fucking NOT ok!) I’m just saying that relationships are amazing because you know that your partner can choose anybody s/he wants at any given moment and yet s/he is choosing to be in love with you.

How about finding someone better issue? Put it this way. There is no hierarchy. No levels. A is not equal, nor higher, nor lower than B. They are simply two different persons. There is no way you can compare them, therefore, one cannot be better or worse than the other. There is just one question that you need to ask to weigh if s/he’s the one for you: Mahal mo ba siya?

Go on, ask me. So I can quote my friend's now-ex-girlfriend: My answer is a loud, resonating “Oo”. Tapos ang usapan.

Usually, during this time of the year, I would receive forwarded emails or text messages about Christmas. Saying how people tend to forget inviting the celebrant during His own birthday. I would normally scanned through it, then either delete it, or if boredom and slight guilt permit, forward it to some of my contacts.. then delete it. This morning, was just like one of those days when I opened my mail. Only because I was still too lazy to do real work, I actually read it, word after word. It speaks of the same meaning, just like any similar stories, but this time, it moved me to tears. My officemates chatting nonchalantly in the background, I felt the tinge in my throat and my eyes were then half open, desperately concealing that it hit me, hard.

I missed Him. I missed those times when no day will pass without me talking to Him. Telling Him stories like He’s my most attentive roommate. Rain or shine, I’d pay Him a visit in one of my most favorite place on Earth along Katipunan, below the flyover. Or in my other refuge in front of UP Infirmary. When my father was fighting for dear life inside Medical City’s ICU, my mother and brothers were crying our eyes out, begging Him to help us face those moments. He never failed us. The experience actually brought us closer to Him more than ever.

But I don’t know what happened since then. I just woke up one morning feeling like I had drifted myself apart from Him. Like I felt being a rebel. But without a cause. I didn’t recognize Him anymore. I have forgotten. How to talk to Him. How it feels like to be close to Him. How to love Him.

He paid us a visit a few days ago and I felt like He’s a stranger. It’s shameful. I never said a single word to Him. It felt like seeing an ex-best friend after you’ve had a falling out. I wanted to tell Him I’ve missed Him. But I was too ashamed of myself, words just didn’t come out.

Back to the above-mentioned email. After reading it, I immediately realized that I will always have a place in His heart. Then I'd suddenly felt the intense urge to tell Him that I very much want to invite Him in mine again. I wish to bring back the closeness. The friendship. The love. I wish to learn how to go back to how things were like between us. I wish to invite Him over for Christmas. To let Him know that even during our falling out moments, I still look forward to His birthdays. That in my heart, I always wish He’s happy. If only I knew how to start over.

Nung highschool pa lang siya, sa Bulacan nakatira yun pamilya niya pero iskolar siya sa skwelahan sa Manila. Tatay lang niya ang nagtatrabaho sa kanilang pamilya dahil kelangan ng Nanay niya na manatili sa bahay at alagaan silang 10 magkakapatid. Mahirap ang buhay at mahirap lang sila. Matalino siya kahit nung bata pa kaya nagiging skolar siya at nagsisikap talaga ang Tatay niya na mabigyan siya ng pamasahe araw-araw para makapasok siya sa Maynila. Yun mga kapatid niya, sa probinsya lang nag-aaral kaya di niya kasing laki ng baon.

Pero madalas, hindi napagkakasya ng Nanay niya yun allowance bago dumating yun susunod ng sweldo ng Tatay niya. Isipin mo naman, 12 dalawa silang kumakain sa bahay. Kaya ang ginagawa niya minsan kapag wala ng pera ang Nanay niya, aalis siya sa bahay ng maaga. Kunyari papasok siya sa skwela, kasi ayaw ng Tatay niya na aabsent siya kahit pa ipamasahe niya yun ipangkakain nila. Bibigyan siya ng baon/pamasahe ng Tatay niya papuntang Maynila. Tapos maglalakad lang siya mula Bulacan. Kapag nakalahati na niya yun layo, lalakad naman siya pabalik sa bahay nila. Dadaan siyang palengke. Bibili siya ng tuyo. Uuwi siya sa kanila. Madadatnan niya nun yun Nanay niya, hindi pa kumakain. Lulutuin niya yun tuyo. Bibigay niya yun katawan sa Nanay niya at yun ulo, sa kanya. Dudurugin niya at ihahalo nya sa mainit na kanin.

Ngayon, asensado na siya. Nakatapos siya ng pagaaral. Napag-aral niya yun mga kapatid niyang sumunod sa kanya. Nagkaron na siya ng pamilya. May sarili na siyang bahay, kotse, at malapit na niya mapatapos ng pag-aaral ang lahat ng 3 anak niya. Kapag nakaka-experience siya ng problema sa pamilya, trabaho, kaibigan, iniisip lang niya yun moment na naglalakad siya papasok at uuwi para kumain ng dinurog na ulo ng tuyo, alam na niya agad na kaya niyang lagpasan ang lahat. “Basta anything NOT less than that moment, I know I’ll be ok.”

I heard my Dad telling that story to my Ninong. I looked around if somebody’s watching me. Then I sobbed. Tears of pride & gratitude for my Dad and other great men of his generation. Tears of shame for myself and other young people who do not know how to appreciate what they have.

..is being awaken by the morning sunshine that passes through your window.
..is hearing your Mom sing the song she composed just for you. Pushing you to the other side of your bed, conveniently lay down beside you, hug you so tight until you grasped for some air.
..is being bullied by your little brothers, who apparently, are not so little anymore, every chance they get.
..is eating tuyo, red egg with chopped tomatoes, and sinangag, with your hands. Having this breakfast with your whole family chit-chating like crazy.
..is general cleaning the whole house on a Saturday morning.
..is sitting in a giant rocking chair, your eyes glued to a good book, the afternoon breeze blowing your hair all over your face and you don't mind.
..is stretching while yawning.
..is having a nice, honest to goodness chat with a beggar.
..is playing hide-and-seek with your cousins, then getting out of your hide-outs as soon as you heard Mang Louie shouting, "Taho! Taho!"
..is waking up at 3am in the morning, wait for a kettle of water to boil, take a bath and dress up for Simbang Gabi.
..is seeing the name of your crushie-slash-love-of-your-life in your Inbox.
..is having silly fights with your friends-slash-lifetime-barkada over the last slice of Alvin's pizza.
..is crying after watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy.
..is people-watching in Edsa Central while queueing for an FX ride home.
..is laughing over an old school corny jokes delivered by your Lolo.
..is eating isaw and fishballs while hanging out at the Sunken Garden with your college friends and debating about Physics, Math series, and Philo.
..is staying up until 2 o'clock in the morning just chit-chatting and fooling around with your 5 other roommates.
..is every moment spent alive :)

Choices.
We always have choices.
The question is how to use them to your advantage.
He told her that she is making a very BIG mistake for leaving.
She smiled.
With uncertainty.
With fright.
What if he's right?

Malapit na mag-Halloween! Sana man lang na-experienced ko ang Trick or Treat nung bata ako. hehehe! Pero noh, isang simpleng mamamayan lang kami na ang nilu-look forward ay ang Magandang Gabi Bayan. Nyahaha! Syet, wala ng ganun ngayon. Ma-mi-miss ko ata yun Lola na may mahabang silver/white hair na walang ngipin. Yun biglang bumabangon sa lumilipad na ataul. Sana may projects pa sya this season.

Ang ginaw..brrrr.... Magpa-Pasko na! Excited na ko magshopping for my 12 inaanaks. Yey! Sila ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagtatrabaho ngayon. hahaha!

Nami-miss ko na mag-hiking kasama ang TK! Nag-hiking kasi yun barkada ng bro ko last weekend. Akalain mong may falls/mini river pala silang napupuntahan sa pinaghi-hiking-an namin??? Eh mas maraming beses pa ko naghiking sa mga batang yun pero why oh why wala kaming nakitang any body of water ng mga barkada kong athlete? (sarcasm intended. haha!) Note to self: mag-ipon ng pambili ng rubber shoes para makapagyaya ng hiking with TK. (Remembering may bro's comment: "Ate, mag rubber slipper ka na lang, sinasabi ko syo." Aba'y san ba talaga naghi-hiking yun mga batang yun?)

My scolio and asthma have been enthusiastically reminding me of their presence lately. Sabi ko kasi kay Mommy kung Sustagen for Kids yun iniinom ko nun baka mas healthy ako ngayon eh! May freebies pa ko sa pagbisita nila Susie and Geno sa school, if ever. *regrets*

We are going to Bohol this Christmas vacation! I am so freakin' excited!!! Hello, Tarsiers! Hello Chocolate Hills! Goodbye, inaanaks! Nyehehehe!
Sana may magregalo sakin ng digicam this Christmas. Santa, are you there?

Sexual harrassment.

But who would have thought that she will encounter the devil in her lifetime?!

Wala naman siyang maalalang grabeng kasalanan sa kapwa niya sa past para maging deserving sya ng ganito kalupit na karma. As much as she wants to let it all out, para one time big time lang, matapos na, eh hindi niya magawa. Kasi hindi siya madaling gawin. Mabigat din siyang dalin. What if hindi siya maintindihan ng mga tao? What if i-condemn siya nila sa nangyari? Pano na lang yun mararamdaman ng mga mahal niya sa buhay, pamilya, kaibigan? At para saan pa? Tapos na. Naganap na. Hindi na maibabalik pa. Alangan namang patayin nya yun gumawa nun sa kanya? Although minsan, kapag tina-traydor siya ng kanyang memorya, ganun nga yun gusto niyang gawin.. pumatay. Kaya bigla na lang siya umiiyak. Taena. Buti na lang kaya rin niyang dalin kasi madali rin niyang makalimutan. Pero gaya nga ng na-established na kanina, hindi niya makuhang isiwalat kasi para saan pa? Para maalala pa niya lalo kung gano kababa yun pakiramdam nya? At para bumaba rin ang pagtingin sa kanya ng ibang tao? Wag na lang siguro. O baka naman kasi duwag siya? Masyado siyang mahina para tanggapin ang nangyari. Kapag isinuwalat niya, nangangahulugan itong tanggap na niya. Pero hindi pa siya handa. Siguro balang araw.

It's damn too late.

Disclaimer: Ang entry na ito ay wala masyadong connection sa entry sa baba. *turo sa baba*

At first, she didn't want to broadcast it to the world. This is too shallow. Half of the nation is dying of hunger for godsake. But she doesn't care about that at this moment. All she wants to do is to release her thoughts.

She knows she doesn't want to stay where she is right now. Every bone in her body is despising each morning when she has to drag her feet to where she is expected to be. She hates his guts. She used to look up to him. She used to see him as a great man with a grand philosophy in life that she thought she must follow. But not anymore. Because in the process, he tarnished her values. He tops her list of "Most Hated Person in the World". And "hate" is such a strong word for her. She doesn't want that.

Now that she had finally decided that it's about time to leave, he is making it even harder for her. She doesn't get it. Fear of not finding another place for her out there is handful enough without him emotionally torturing her for moving on. She is now slowly forgetting her reasons for leaving. Suddenly, she gets tired of rationalizing her actions. She feels like she's making a blind decision. But this was not the case before.

She's just hoping against hope that she's doing the right thing.