Because great things happen when you take a bite...

Dahil mami-miss kong mag-rant about sa bane of my existence, huhuling-hirit lang ako.

I just read his email to me, copied to my colleagues. Ang title ng email ay "Thank You". Sabi niya he's sad to let me go, chorva chorva chorva. I put in the most number of hours sa work (oo, gumawa siya ng studies ng mga time in-time out namin) at he's grateful achuchuchu. Dami ko raw na-contribute, etc. etc. etc. Pero disappointed daw siya kasi di ko pa tapos yun sideline projects ko eh dapat daw pumasok ako ng week na 'to para dun -- kesa nilalasap ang natitirang VL ko na di naman niya babayaran kung di ko man gamitin. (Take note: mga basurang projects lang yun [sorry pero kapag nasaktan ka, ibig sabihin di mo dapat binabasa 'tong blog ko] At wala pang nakakatapos kahit sino sa mga empleyado niya. Pamatay-oras lang. Pero sabi ko nga gagawin ko yun from home kahit until next Friday kasi ang dami naman niya talagang binagsak saking trabaho, di ko kayang isingit yun.) Taena talaga, naiyak ako sa magkahalong sarcasm at ka-evil-an ng email niya. Ako pa rin, oo, ako pa rin ang walang silbi at v. disappointing na empleyado sa kabila ng kupal niyang intro. Kung kilala mo siya gaya ng pagkakakilala ko, malalaman mong hindi siya talaga nag-te-thank you gaya ng title ng email niya. In fact, sinusumbatan ka niya at pinapaalam niyang irresponsible kang tao. Sinasabi rin niyang wala siyang dapat ipagpasalamat kasi binayaran ka niya para gawin ang lahat ng ginawa mong sakripisyo -- na apparently, ay kulang pa. Na pinapaalala niyang nung una kang humakbang sa opisina niya eh sinanla mo na ang iyong kaluluwa.

Paksyet. Ang haba pa naman nung mga hirit niyang yun na nagliliyab sa sarcasm. Ang haba ng iyak ko ah, namaga ang mata ko. Tang-ina talaga, hayup sa Finale.

Maraming perverts sa mundo. Nagpaparamdam sila kapag may mga taong mukhang weakling at hindi sila makukuhang basagan ng bote sa ulo kapag nagpakitang-gilas sila ng kanilang very disturbing special talent. Hindi ko rin alam kung pano nila nade-determine ang mga pwede nilang maging biktima. Basta for one, hindi ka dapat maglalasing kasama ang strangers, or not so really close friends. Other than that very wise advise, wala na kong idea kung ano pang deciding factors nila.

Ilang beses na rin na-feature sa TV, nasulat sa magazines, at napag-usapan over family dinner kung pano mo po-protektahan ang sarili mo against those spawns of the devils. General Rule: DO NOT ACT SCARED. In fact, ang pinakamagandang dapat mong gawin ay ipahiya sila. SCREAM. Call them names very loudly. Make sure that everyone inside the jeep/bus/fx will know what’s happening, know what he’s doing.

When my officemate encountered one exhibitionist while she was riding a jeepney, she got so scared she got off the nearest stop. Sabi ko, “Hay naku, hindi titigil yan mga yan. Dapat daw sa mga gaya nyan eh pinapahiya! You shouldn’t have acted scared. You should have been very mad and disgusted.” See? I perfectly know how to deal with those perverts from hell, because I was not scared.

Last night, I left the office at 8ish in the evening. The usual route: long, lousy walk to MRT, got off Shaw Station, walk towards Edsa Central FX terminal. Lucky for me because there was no queue. I easily got a seat, sa gitna ng FX. There was mag-jowawers at my left side. Then a middle-aged man sat at my right, beside the door. Personally, I am OC when it comes to my personal space. Kahit magkatabi tayo sa jeep or bus or fx, I am conscious that no body parts of my seatmates ang dumidikit directly sa arms ko, or sa legs ko. Basta, I always find a way na iharang ang jacket ko, or bag ko or any other materials available. The moment a seatmate is leaning towards me and crossing the boundaries of my personal space, I shift position, move a little, just to make them aware that, hey, "move over or I’ll bite your head off!"

So when this man at my right was pa-simpleng dumidikit yun kamay niya sa legs ko, tinataas ko yun malaking bag ko at binabagsak ko with full force sa kamay niya. Kapag lumilingon siya sakin, tinititigan ko siya nang masama until he looked away. And when he exposed his disgusting you know what and jerk off beside me, I screamed at him with full anger and abhorrence! “YUUCK!!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT???!!! PUNYETA, ANG BASTOS NYO!!!” So everyone in the FX looked at him, called him names, cursed him, and the driver dragged his pathetic ass out. We left him in the middle of Floodway stripped off of his dignity. And for that, I am so sure that he will never, ever do it again in his entire lifetime. He will attend a counseling group called, “Exhibitionist Anonymous”, and introduce himself like, “Hello, my name is Elmer. And I am an Exhibitionist.” With shame for himself and for the generations under his name.

Yes, that’s what I did because I was not scared... Noh. Let me correct that. That was what I should have done if I didn't get so damn scared.

I got scared. So scared na nanginginig ako when I realized what he was doing. I pretended I didn’t know. But he was making every effort to force me to look. He was moving his hands at dumidikit talaga sa braso ko. PUTANG INA. My mind and common sense left me so shocked I was not moving at all. I felt like screaming everytime he looks at me directly. I was scared, mad, disgusted, and really, really, really damn scared. For a moment I thought I was not breathing. Am I dead? At that time, oh shit, I wish I were. That was the longest fx ride of my life. When he finally decided that he has done me enough torture to last a lifetime, he paid for his fare (Eeew, yuck Manong driver, wag mong abutin yun bayad! Yan yun kamay niyang gamit pang-ano…YUCK!!!!), he immediately got off along Angono Hi-way. After he closed the door, I was just sitting there, sa madilim na fx, tulala -- with the mag-jowawers beside me cuddling like crazy, the mag-kumares sa likod ko chikahan animatedly, the driver talking through his radio, and the rest of the passengers dozing off to dreamland.

When I arrived home, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it to my Mom who cheerily greeted me at the door. Magwo-worry lang siya lalo sa gabi-gabi kong pag-uwi. She has enough worries now so hindi makakatulong ang masamang impormasyong dala ko. I just locked myself up in the bathroom, splashed cold water to my face, as I cried. If only I wasn’t that weak, and scared and a victim-material, eh di sana nasa Exhibitionist Anonymous na ngayon ang hinayupak na yun.

Moral Lesson:
Wala. Hindi ko na sasabihing "don't act scared". Kasi really, when you're there, the situation isn't going to be in black and white. So I just hope and pray that this will not happen to you. And tonight and for the coming nights, I will also pray that we'd be given enough strength and balls (no pun intended) to fight against every devils* we encounter everyday in our lives.

*devils - manyak, perverts, exhibtionists, magnanakaw, mamatay-tao, rapist, kidnapper, terrorista... you got the point.

"I noticed that no one will report to work on Friday, April 6. Is it really an international holiday? If not, please come to work."

KELAN PA NAGKARON NG PASOK NG GOOD FRIDAY???? Kung hindi ka nangingilin eh pagbigyan mo naman kaming mga katoliko! Respeto naman dyan oh. Pano na lang ako hihingi ng kapatawaran sa lahat ng evil plans na gagawin ko sa buhay mo, di ba?!?

Lunes na lunes nga naman.

Galet ang mahal na hari. Kasi aalis kami ng maaga later na pinagpaalam at pinayagan naman niya a few weeks back. Kasi may mga magli-leave sa Holy Week. Kasi hindi kami papasok sa mga darating na National Holidays (Labor Day, Election Day, Independence Day, etc.) Kasi meron kaming mga karapatan bilang empleyado at wala siyang magawa kundi i-accept yun. Therefore, galit-galit-an siya and being sarcastic with me the whole time I was presenting my flyer design to him. I didn't smile. Kahit fake na pa-polite na ngiti eh hindi makuhang gawin ng facial muscles ko.

Kasalanan naman niya eh. Kasi "tao" ang kinuha niyang mga empleyado. Eh kung robot na lang ba eh di wala siyang pino-problema sana ngayon. Pwede niya paganahin 24/7. Hindi uuwi nang maaga ni minsan sa isang taon, papasok kahit na Pasko at Bagong Taon pa yan, at never ever mag-a-avail ng vacation leave.

So, pano ba yan? Paumanhin na lang syo, mahal na hari. Kaw naman kasi kung maka-reklamo ka eh parang may OT pay kami ah. Wag kang mag-alala, next year naman wala na kaming lahat dito.. pwede mo na i-consider ang bumili ng mga robots mo. Oks? Oks.

This is a funny, and at the same time very sad, thought. I stumbled upon my officemate's blog again. And as I was reading through her latest entry, it felt like I was actually the one who wrote it. Her every sentiment screams of my very own friggin' thoughts. Perhaps because we sort of play the same function this year, only for different events. So while she dreaded the nagger boss's wife (who handles the finances), I, on the other hand, tremble everytime AIM executives (that includes Finance Director) gets in the picture. Let me quote my favorite part in her entry:

"Dele reg comes, acknowledge, assures dele should they have any queries, please let me know I will be most happy to assist, send invoice, inputs at DB, chase payments, answer questions, answer boss' wife, get calls from dele with funny accents, book hotel, transfers, send reports, updates, stay up late tallying DB, getting screamed at by the boss during bag delivery, getting screamed at for the forever late dele list, mock reg, first day of reg, tired smiles that couldn't quite reach the eyes.

"I've thought about this and I've carried this burden for quite sometime now. And believe me, when I thought it has ended, it's like acne that keeps popping out every now and then. And the truth is, when I think of what I have to go through all over again, I balked at the thought. My mind just REFUSES to accept that I have to go through it all again!

"Then, why and what the hell am I staying here for?"

As we kept hearing from our boss, "THE HANDWRITINGS ARE ON THE WALL!" We have enough signs telling us that we should not be here. But why do we thrive on this kind of torture??

Ramblings ahead.

When I decided to stay, I promised myself that I will never ever ever rant about my freaking job to my friends and boyfriend again. But I don't remember promising myself not to scream through my blog instead, did I?

For moments when my monster of a superior wears his fangs and turns our simple lives into hell, naguunahan na lumabas yun mga foul words sa bibig ko. Masusunog na ko sa impyerno ng dahil dito, I swear. Pero that's just to myself. Because once I was too stressed out, I accidentally knocked out my empty mug, napa-"Oh F*ck!" ako at yun tingin sakin nung isang officemate ko at nung VP namin eh isang insekto. Baket ba, kumbento?!? (Sorry, my bad)

Why does he take so much comfort in torturing us? Namputsa talaga. Minsan gusto ko na lang sagutin yun mga sarcastic emails niya ng, "because you're stupid and greedy and can never ever bring your money to your grave, that's why!" Haaay. Palibhasa ang priority lang niya eh ang kumpanya niya. Well, sorry ka na lang dahil ang priority ko eh hinde ang trabaho ko kundi ang buhay ko. Pero just in case you haven't noticed, we are overworked, underpaid, food(ako lang ata)-and-sleep-deprived, and yet professional (or weak?) enough to surrender to all your fcuk-ing desires even if it's against our will, against our conscience, and against our physical and emotional thresholds of pain.

So yes, everyday I wonder why I am still here. Why do I still work so passionately just to get a certain job done on time? Why do I still smile (while grinding my teeth) despite your emotional blackmails, and why do I tolerate (or ignore?) your greediness and evilness? Will somebody tell this monster that he's not gonna have a chance to bring his money to the afterlife?? Oh yeah, we don't believe on the same god, I forgot.

Ayoko man na years from now, when I looked back eh ikaw ang laman ng blog ko. Pero really, I coud not help it. Kelangan ko ng outlet or baka maging headline ka na lang bukas sa dyaryo: "Half-Burmese/Half-Indian, na technically "stateless", napatay ng kanyang kaawa-awa pero magandang empleyado".
Bwahahahah!
Shit, this is driving me nuts.

Siguro yun frustrations ko eh dala nung sobrang working long hours ka sa trabaho. Kahit hinahatak mo na lang yun sarili mo sa kama para pumasok. Tapos finally, you’ll be able to do something that you’ve always wanted tapos yun trabaho pa rin na yun yung sisira nun? Parang gusto mong awayin yun trabaho mo na para pagbigyan ka naman this time around kasi lagi mo naman siya pinage-effort-an! Hindi na nga ako enough compensated sa pinaghihirapan ko tapos pati mga ganung bagay na source of fulfillment mo eh...haaaaaaay. These crazy hormones are driving me nuts.

Just getting too emotional about it, I know. :-[

Warning: Foul words and some jargon terms ahead. I just need to let this out, patawad kung di ko masyado ma-e-explain.

Putang-ina. This is one of my most frustrating days EVER. Putsa talaga. How could I forget?!?! Bad trip talaga, sobrang ok na mga plano eh. For a change, I can have something to look forward to everyday. Until it hit me: EB deadline yun for AF!!!! How could I fucking forget?!?!?! I know that July 27 date by heart. I have that published in all my letters, brochures, reminders, websites. sa lahat! Tapos, ito? Potah talaga. How could I forget?!?!?! Sobrang saya ko pa naman last night, really looking forward to that Cebu-Bohol trip. Tapos sobrang excited din ako nung nagsabi ako sa bahay kanina. Tapos sa MRT, while happily humming to myself for that happy thought, eh biglang FUCK! Tang-ina!!! \(>o<)/ Bakkeeeet?????? Urgh!!!!!!!! Nag-isip na ko ng mga paraan para maging maayos ang EB kahit hindi ako papasok. Pero pucha, malamang talagang ma-fire ako pag ginawa ko yun. So I seriously considered resigning. Seryoso! But then, naisip ko rin na wala naman akong pagkukunan ng gastos pag ginawa ko yun. Tapos, if ever na newly-hired ako by another company by then eh bawal naman din umabsent under 6 months of probation di ba? (Oo, pucha, inisip kong lahat yun) This is really frustrating, potah. Pero sige, susunod na lang ako dun ng Sat ng madaling-araw. Bahala sa following Monday nun, wala na silang magagawa kung di man ako papasok nun. Ang importante, andito ko sa EB deadline. Haaay. Tang-ina. Hindi ata ako makaka-get over agad sa frustration na 'to. Taena talaga...

URGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! \(>O<)/




*Sigh. Minsan, nakakatulong ang pag-sigaw.

I don’t get it. I shouldn’t care anymore di ba?

So what if I shifted courses? So what if I graduated way later than my friends? So what if I spent so many years to finish my studies? So what if I’m already 24 and yet earning way lesser than how much you’re getting every pay check? So what? It doesn’t take a genius to figure that it’s not enough basis to look down on me. World knows that. And why do I care about what you think anyway? I am not saying I’m bitter but I know I just shouldn’t care. I have a loving family and a small circle of fabulous friends, and that fact is enough proof that I have a great life. Your perception of me is just some insignificant bullshit. Go away.

At first, she didn't want to broadcast it to the world. This is too shallow. Half of the nation is dying of hunger for godsake. But she doesn't care about that at this moment. All she wants to do is to release her thoughts.

She knows she doesn't want to stay where she is right now. Every bone in her body is despising each morning when she has to drag her feet to where she is expected to be. She hates his guts. She used to look up to him. She used to see him as a great man with a grand philosophy in life that she thought she must follow. But not anymore. Because in the process, he tarnished her values. He tops her list of "Most Hated Person in the World". And "hate" is such a strong word for her. She doesn't want that.

Now that she had finally decided that it's about time to leave, he is making it even harder for her. She doesn't get it. Fear of not finding another place for her out there is handful enough without him emotionally torturing her for moving on. She is now slowly forgetting her reasons for leaving. Suddenly, she gets tired of rationalizing her actions. She feels like she's making a blind decision. But this was not the case before.

She's just hoping against hope that she's doing the right thing.

May mga taong pinanganak sa mundo para maging doktor, lawyer, engineer, artist, o maging presidente ng bansa. Sa titulo pa lang, alam mo na agad kung anong silbi nila. Pero napatunayan kong meron din sadyang isinilang para maging chismosa, inggitera, intrigera at pakialamera. At dahil bum ako (note: idle mind), pagtutuunan ko muna sila ng pansin dito sa blog ko. Bwahahaha!

Leche yun mga kapit-bahay namin. Hindi ko ma-imagine ang sarili ko na nakatira sa ibang bayan, dahil dito lang ako sa aming village naka-encounter ng mga gaya nila na umiikot ang mundo sa buhay ng ibang tao. Very amusing kind of life, if you ask me. And yeah, add “pathetic” to the list. Pero source of entertainment din naming “pag-chismisan” ang pagiging “chismosa” nila. Lalo na kapag nagkatagpu-tagpo ng landas yun mga taong pinag-aaway nila at sinisiraan nila sa isa’t-isa.

Victim # 1 (galit): “Hoy! Ano raw ‘tong naririnig kong marami akong utang?!”
Victim # 2 (mas galit): “Excuse me! Sabi mo nga raw may anak akong addict!”
Victim # 1 (nagtataka): “Talaga?! Sinabi ko raw yun?”
Victim # 2 (nagtataka na rin): “Oo raw. At sabi pa nga, sabi mo pa raw…blah blah blah…”
Victim # 1 (napapaisip): “Eh di ba nasa US ako nun?”
Victim # 2 (kalmado na): “Oo nga eh. Naisip ko nga rin yun eh..”
Victim # 1 & 2 (hahagalpak ng tawa): Bwahahahahahah!!!!!
Victim # 1: Ang kulet ng mga naimbento nilang kwento! Bwahahaha!
Victim # 2: Baka nagbabasa na komiks yun noh? Bwahahah!

Ngayon alam ko na kung sino ang role models ng mga kontrabida sa mga telenovela.
Kapit-bahay din namin ang kapitan ng aming baranggay (Syetness, probinsyang-probinsya. Hahaha!) So anyway, galit siya sa isa pang kapit-bahay namin na itago na lang natin sa pangalang si Mr. Y na kinaiinggitan niya at ng kanyang asawang “writer” daw. Dahil sa nakikita niyang ka-close namin sila neighbor Mr. Y, kasama na rin kami sa list ng mga taong ginagawa niyang panira ng araw nila. Kami naman ay deadma lang. So anyway, itong si Mr. Y eh nagpataas ng bakuran. Yun as in di mo makikita from the street yung bahay nila. Nireklamo ni Kapitan ang pagpapatayo niya ng swimming pool. Baka raw wala tapunan ng tubig. Duh! Ever heard of drainage system? Tapos araw-araw dinadaanan ng Altis, Frontier at Pajero ni Kapitan yun mga halaman ni Mr. Y sa tapat ng bahay nila. Itong lokong Mr. Y, naglagay ng statues ng mga gnomes sa bakuran niya. At yung mga gnomes ay naka-dirty finger at nakalabas ang butt, exposed directly sa dumadaan sa mga halaman niya. Bwahahahahah!!!! Laughtrip! So si Kapitana (asawa ni Kapitan) ay namumula sa galit. Dapat daw yun patanggal dahil nakaka-pollute daw ng isip ng mga kabataan. Wtf??? “pollute the mind of the youth my @$$!” Kelan pa siya naging isang mabuting huwaran sa mga kabataan? Kung di nga niya dinadaanan yun mga halaman ng kapit-bahay namin eh hindi niya papansinin yung mga Gnomes eh. So sinong guilty? Pero pinaka-panalo sa lahat eh yun araw-araw niyang pag-akyat sa isang ladder para lang masilip kung anong nagaganap sa bahay nila Mr. Y dahil naghihinala na raw siya na baka pedophile na raw ito… *syet! Gumugulong na ko sa floor nang katatawa*

Meron din silang amusing stories about sa amin, pero di gaanong kasing exciting nga mga chismis niya sa ibang kabahayan. Boring ata kami kasi di nila kami gaanong nakikita. Except for that one time nung nagja-jogging ang Dad ko (lagi siyang nagja-jogging every afternoon, minsan kasama Mom ko, pero this time, he was on his own), nakita niya ang local version namin ng paparazzi.

Dad: “Good afternoon, Mrs. (The Buzz)!”
Mrs. The Buzz (serious, accusing tone): “Alam mo ikaw, lagi na lang kita nakikitang nag-ja-jogging papunta sa street na yun. May babae ka dun noh?”
Dad (poker face): Meron nga.

Bwahaha! Ang lupet talaga nun. Sana magkaroon na ng excitement ang buhay nila para di na sila nakikisawsaw sa excitement ng buhay ng iba. Yun lang. :)

I'm fuming mad as hell!!!!
d*mn it!!!

Note to self: Get my freaking ass outta here as soon as my paycheck (plus savings) permits it.

I just have to get this off my chest.

How can some people in my course (specifically faculty) be very shallow and superficial?! I can understand how important it is to look pleasant in our so-called industry, but changing who you are is way overboard, pare! They are forcing us to be somebody that we are not! They had just degraded humanity several inches down the notch, it's really disappointing. As Ma'am Karen (obviously not from my course) said, why are they forcing all of us to wear skirts if some of us are not comfortable with it? What the hell is wrong with slacks?! Why are they forcing us to wear "heavy" make-up if some of us, again, are not comfortable with it? Why do they have to impose on us their "ideal perception of beauty"?!?! And I've heard that faculty people were even criticizing/laughing at our resume pictures just because some of us don't look good on camera, or at least they thought so. Talking about Shallow-mindedness, Hall of Fame. And they call themselves, "Professors"?!?!?! Boo!!! Sana lang kasi perpekto sila!

Again, comment nga ni Ma'am Karen, getting the job is about who you are, what you've learned from the academe and experiences, about your character, your attitude, and NOT about how people see how beautiful your face and body are. Wala kaming balak mag-GRO for crying out loud!!! Langya, I'm no beauty queen. But even if I were one, wala akong balak pumasok sa trabahong ang tingin sa akin ay isang palamuti. I would rather be acknowledge for my brain, my attitude and my compassion.

They should be teaching us how to be confident about ourselves. To be true to ourselves. To be happy with what we have, with who we are. To feel beautiful inside and out. And not to conform to their kababawan sense of kagandahan!.

Sabi nila, pare-pareho lang daw kayo! Nag-iiba lang ng damit, pero iisang elemento lang. Hindi na nga ako magdadalawang-isip na maniwala eh. Lahat ng mahal ko sa buhay sinaktan niyo. Binigay nila lahat sa inyo, halos wala na ngang matira para sa sarili nila. Pero hindi niyo yun inalagaan. Binasura niyo lang yung pagpapahalaga nila sa inyo! Sa simula lang kayo nagbabalat-kayong matino. Pero hindi nagtatagal at lumalabas ding ipokrito. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit kayo ganun kalupit sa kanila. Naging mahina ba sila o naging mapag-samantala lang kayo? Pano kayo nakakatulog sa gabi kahit alam niyong may nasira kayong buhay o nagsira ng buhay nang dahil sa inyo? Minsan, hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa sila tutulungang ibalik ang respeto nila sa sarili na nawalang bula kasama ng pag-alis nyo. Minsan, gusto ko na kayo isumpang lahat!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Disclaimer: The message above is definitely NOT for the love of my life, who happens to be one of the very few remaining good-natured persons ever existed.